Late diagnosed autistics, never got to be autistic children. Not consciously.
I, like many of my neurokin, was late diagnosed. I received my diagnosis when my eldest was diagnosed at age 4. I was 22. It wasn't called autism back then. But regardless of terminology, we were deemed to accomplished for support.
Even with our new 'label', we were told not to let it define us, and we would just be a bit quirky, possibly struggle to make friends and likely gifted. No explanation of what it meant, or what assistance we might benefit from.
As a result, so much of my formulative years was spent muddling through attempting to reach an expectation I just was not ever going to be able to obtain.
Everything was measured based on typical development. On typical brains and experiences.
I am not, and was not typical.
What this meant for me is long term affects that have shaped my entire life. I have C-PTSD and anxiety, as well as chronic illness, RSD and so much more as a result of a lifetime of masking autistic traits I was taught were wrong.
My parents never got to parent an autistic child. They got an overactive child. A disruptive and emotionally sensitive child. A child who never slept and a child who could not move on easily. A bossy child who seemed to need to control every situation. An explosive child who seemed to have immense strength inside that tiny little frame. A loud mouth who did not have any respect for authority. A child who became so focused on a task and could not pull away without a fight. An overachiever. A people pleaser.
I took everything literally, could be easily manipulated. I was perfect prey to predators.
And I was a victim. Multiple times.
Of many things.
I struggled with everything and didn't know why things that seemed to come so easily to my friends, required so much effort from me.
I am a multiply disabled person and all have been discovered in adulthood.
ASD Level 2. Pathological Demand Avoidance. Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. ADHD combined type. hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome. Spondylarthritis. Fibromyalgia.
Those are my official medical diagnosis. I mean, just one of those is enough for Drs to get their heads around. But this 2E, overachiever is still making sure to level up by baffling the medical world with rare disorders.
There is so much in there. So much damage that was done to that child who was pushed down time after time. Silenced so as not to embarrass anyone. Ignored when trying to tell people what was happening inside of her. The extreme pain in joints and muscles dismissed.
Do you understand the impact this has on someone?
I have a lifetime of healing to do. So I began with reparenting her.
I look back now through a different lens. One of understanding and compassion instead of judgement and disappointment.
What do I want her to know?
What could she have accomplished with all of her accommodations met?
What should she do now, for herself and for others coming after her? Including her own family.
I am the first generation of three generations of medically confirmed AUDHers . What do I want for my grandchildren?
Acceptance.
So they can be who they were always supposed to be.
And proudly.
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